the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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