I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
