I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
