I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
