I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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