You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
