ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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