So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Randomize
