well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
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