OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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