some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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