she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
