I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Randomize
