WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
