God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
