thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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