I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
