The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
