nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
