If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
