Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
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