I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
