he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
