He uses pillows to masturbate.
I am midnight drunk by noon
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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