I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
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