She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
