I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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