Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
