Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
