why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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