i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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