Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
its liver damage thursday
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
