Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
