I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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