My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
You made out with two different species that night
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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