Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
