he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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