I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
