You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
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What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
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You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize