Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
