UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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