I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
