No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Sober January is a disaster.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
