So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize