Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
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