The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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