kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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