when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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