my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
