I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
