i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize