You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
