Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
