if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Randomize