You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
