the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
