I puked a lego.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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