I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
